Of crossroads and istikharah

I'm , literally, a big girl now.

I can still remember the day I plucked up my courage to ask about you. Boi I was young back then. I mean.. young-er. (I'd like to believe I'm still young, given that I'm still in my 20s) Back to the story, I couldn't remember what brought me to a conclusion that I should just ask about you.. but I did! You're one of my many crush(es) but Idk why I only had the courage to ask about you. I mean.. I could ask about other people too but I didn't. 

Anyway, I asked Kak N about your status..

and it wasn't long after that, that I found out you're not available. 

I was okay, shed a couple of tears on my way back home from the hospital 

but I was fine after that. Totally fine.

I thought.. "Hmm takpelah.. memang bukan jodoh".

And then, a few years passed. 

I heard nothing about you. 

"Bilanya kau nak kahwin??!"

I continued on with my life.

More complicated stuff ensued after.

(... as evidenced in the previous posts)

AND AND AND

recently, we met again at an event. 

You asked me my name! My name??!! 

Seriously.. 

..all these years and you didn't even know my name :(

I remembered yours since our days in KMB. 

( hashtag freak alert )

One thing leads to another..

and I found out you've been single for the past two years. 

Whatever happened to you, ah boi?

I told the other sisters about you..

..and my intention ( I know I ni gatal kan? haha )

Kak N was fully aware of what happened before..

and she said "Do you wanna give it a try, again?"

"Make lotsa dua. If you're destined for each other, inshaAllah, khalas"

My heart goes tachy a lil bit.

Tbh, I'm scared. 

Rejections.. are hard to deal with.

(.. again, as evidenced in the previous posts)

Should I give it another shot?

I mean, at least, you're not in Cork.

You're not someone I see frequently.

Our circle of friends doesn't overlap.

You're not someone I might bumped into in town..

.. or in the random wards of random hospital here. 

Haish.

At times like this, I can hear ayah's voice: 

"Anak ayah ni banyak fikir la."

Lol. 100% accurate. 

But ayah,

fikir.. is the only thing I can afford to do now. 

I'll ask for guidance from Allah.

At the crossroad, standing still, only istikharah can guide my way.

I hope I'll walk in the right direction. 

hashtag cuak.

- T

Rookie mistakes are allowed, okay.

It has started again.
The anxiety kicks in.

I feel low, no energy, it was hard for me to focus on studying.
I don't feel like going out. But I did anyway.
I had a good time, but when I came back.. I feel weird again.

I feel like there'a a lump in my chest.
It's hard to breathe on days like this.
And trying to smile to make it go away doesnt work either.
(I ended up crying for no particular reason)

I think what I needed was a full hx taken by a doctor, full examination, and investigations done on me... and I pray and pray again that all this is because I'm low on some vitamins, or I'm anemic or just dehydrated. So I can brush it off as an illness that will settle with downing some pills and water.

At times like this,
I feel like calling someone.
and just talk.

At times like this,
I feel like running in the cold,
and just sweat it off.

At times like this,
I feel lonelier than ever.

But we're all living this life for the first time.

We all have issues that we find it hard to convey to other people,
there is no verbal form to explain
what is lingering in my head and bothering my heart.
and that's okay. :)

At times like this,
I feel like making a lot of dua
and just talk to Allah
will suffice.

O Allah , the Creator of the Heaven and the Earth,

You have created me in the best forms,

You know what's in my heart 

more than other people or even myself.

Untie the knots in my heart.

Lift the weight on my shoulder.

Ease the pain that I have.

For only You can cure it all. 


Forever a rookie,
- T

Let's give it another try, T.

2018 ended beautifully, mashaAllah. 

Alhamdulillah, Allah has blessed our family with 2 additional members in 2018. My younger sister, A married her Yemeni husband in March at the age of 24 year old, now she's pregnant with her first child, SubhanaAllah.  My older sister, Y married the guys she knew for only 5 months in December at the age of 27 year old. 

From these two love story, there's me (25 going 26) stucked in the middle, still figuring out how the secrets in life work. The way Allah untangle all the knots and the way everything make sense in the end are so magical to my eyes. Subhanallah, Allahuakbar. Patience and strong faith in Allah are the key to be more calm in the waiting game. 

We're now 1 month into 2019.

Sometimes (or maybe most of the time) I tell myself that I need someone to fill this emptiness I have in my heart. I feel incomplete no matter how hard I preach about self love and stuff. I was more in love with the idea of being in love without understanding the essence of loving anyway.  I realise that all these years.. the space in my heart is becoming ( or felt ) more empty, not because I didn't put anything in it. No. 

I know that the one space in our heart must be filled with the love of Allah first. But I realised, my heart felt more empty as the days passed by - because it's 'leaking'.

The love that I put in my heart for Allah slowly disappears from me. It was erased bit by bit.. with every little sins I conciously or subconciously made. I feel so small these days. I'm becoming more worse each day. I tried to reminisce what makes me feel content before? I have come to a conclusion that my ibadah is reducing in quantity and quality and I no longer feel excited or putting efforts in learning about his Deen. 

Nowadays, usrah felt like a weekly online meeting. Strictly business. One that I just have to click 'join call' , show my smiling face , throw in some comments that's not coming from my heart anyway and then it will be done in two hours or so. 

These days, I rush my prayer. I rarely make du'a. I no longer feel the urge to wake up in the morning for qiamullail. Most nights, I'll be wide awake an hour before Fajr prayer.. but I always choose to go back to sleep. Weird , huh?

"Emm.. the toilet is too far from my room. So lazy laa to perform ablution (read: wudhu)"

".. well it's a bit cold. I'll keep myself warm under the duvet for a bit more"

"Alaa.. I make short dua also counted right? thanks Allah"

I create all sorts of excuses EVEN WHEN I WAS AWAKEN BY ALLAH TO MEET HIM. Allah has granted me an exclusive opportunity to ask for forgiveness, to make dua for my family, my friends and myself. Allah has given me these opportunity, day by day, but I refused to save myself, I refuse to meet HIM. Astaghfirullah..  :(  

"The du'a made at tahajjud is like an arrow that does not miss its target"

- Imaam  Shaafiie

I know that Allah has given me a lot of blessings. I'm blessed with a good family, a good upbringing, I'm surrounded by good people since I'm small. He had given me a lot of razk (read: rezeki) from ways I cannot comprehend or predict, in the forms that I always .. always.. always need.

Allah has been too kind to me. He's Ar-rahman, He's Ar-raheem.. and He's As-Samii'. I have faith in Allah, and I pray and pray again that no matter how far I strayed from His Deen, I hope He'll always guide me back to the right path and make me believe in myself that it's never too late to give myself another try at this.

For the millionth time, 

Bismillah.

Let's give it another try, T 

:)

Where are you now , T ?

An unnamed feeling came to me

It fills the spaces in my heart

Spaces that I thought was filled alright

by those who came after you

Clearly, the replacement , was not a good fit.

I am happy now, I do. 

But I miss the feelings and comfort I found in you.

Was it just familiarity?

Was it because of a shared dream?

Was it just a common interest? 

Are we just a good team?

I think, what we had was more than that.

I found Allah when I was with you.

I was reminded of how badly I want to strive to be a better me.

And the best part is, I am not alone in that journey.

(I feel so lonely now)

It is not fair to say that you leave me here

It is also mean to say that I made myself stay

The ink has dried, the pen was lifted

This is what Allah has decreed upon us

and with that I should be happy and content

Kan? :(

My battle is so different now

I am learning about myself more than ever

and after doing all of the things I thought I have always wanted to do

I realised one thing for sure..

.. it would be so much better if I'm with you.

It's funny how every little things in Cork, Dublin, Birm...

... ahh.. almost anything and everything reminded me of you girls.

And it scares me when every single memories we created 

during our five long years together..

..bit by bit..

is fading away.

I hope..

If someday..

all that I remember about you is just the warmth that you gave..

I hope I'll be alright with that.

It's inevitable, but it is also natural.

...like the grains of sand slipping through my fingers

no matter how hard I try to grasp it.

I'm not sad that I'm losing it.

I'm happy for the fact that I - for once - had it.

And for that...

O Allah

I thank You for blessing me with these souls 

that reminded me of You

that advises me with kindness and love

that concerns about my dunya and akhirah 

more than anyone would.

Please keep us all safe under Your protection my Rabb.

Please accept from us no matter how small.

And above all,

Please forgive me..

For I have sinned everyday,

I have wronged You in every way.

More so now, than I was before :(

Please keep me in good company

Ones that can guide me 

and remind me

of You

Yes, I miss the old me too,

T.

Reality check for you, T

"How did you do it , T?"

"Do what?"

"You're still happy and you clearly want to spend a lot of time with him..."

"Well, I don't see where is the issue."

"...I mean.. even when he doesn't look at you the same way?"

My heart snapped into two... for the thousandth time.
I plastered a smile over my face and I said.

"I don't mind at all. I just enjoyed the moment"

I lied. I was clearly in denial.
Having some sort of delusion that THIS.. gonna go somewhere.
And I keep that imagination alive by feeding a lot of assumptions and what ifs.
I wrote your story on your behalf. I was convinced that what I wrote was the truth.
Until tonight....

"T, have you had this talk with him?"

"About what?"

"You know, about you being so obvious and upfront with your feelings.. 

....is he okay with that?"

"..I... don't know"

"What if he's uncomfortable with .. all this?"

"...."

"Are you okay if one day,  he tells you that he doesn't like all this attention

and he doesn't feel the way you do?"

"To be honest...

He already did. 

We're just friends.

That's what he said

I just choose not to believe that."

"awwwhh ... T... " :'(

"I'm okay. I will be not okay when 

I choose to embrace that for a fact."

"That is so sad."

"I know" :)

My heart shattered again tonight.
A simple reality check by a friend brings me back to reality.

I look at our pictures again and again.
I recall our moments, most of them are just
me looking for you in a crowd
or me staring at you without you knowing.

Those moments are clearly all giddy,  sweet and happy only on my side.
What we had was clearly made complicated by own my mind.

It was pretty straightforward for you.
You said no.
I should've taken that as it is instead of sugarcoating it.

You and your sweet words.

Me and my overinterpretation. 

We're not a good match, kan?

I should've known better, kan..
I could've guarded my heart better.
And now that I'm in this trouble too deep,
all I can do is to seek help from Allah.

“O Allah, verily I seek the better choice from You, by Your knowledge, 

and I seek ability from You, by Your power, 

and I ask You from Your immense bounty. 

For indeed You have power, and I am powerless; 

You have knowledge and I know not; 

You are the Knower of the unseen realms. 

O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me 

with regard to my religion, 

my livelihood and the end of my affair 

then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, 

and grant me blessing in it. 

And if You know that this matter is not good for me 

with regard to my religion, 

my livelihood and the end of my affair 

then turn it away from me and me from it; 

and decree for me better than it, 

wherever it may be, 

and make me content with it.”

Learning to live in reality (sure is hard)
But I'll try again.. for the thousandth times.

T

"You look happy , T"

Inchydoney Beach and a tale of an unguarded heart.

..twas a lovely day..

  

.. and a girl, unknowingly, fell in love again.

She shouldn't be.

but she just couldn't help it.

.. she knows she's in a deep trouble. 

A..really.. deep.. trouble

But she's adamant that she'll crawl her way up the hole and finds her sanity again..

.. but a girl like her, wearing her heart on her sleeves, it's obvious that it'll be impossible.

..we can already tell , for sure, that this is gonna be another blind commitment 

- foolish and absurd.

but hey.. she looks happy , right?

so let her keep her love

in this fleeting moment

and let her wear that dreamy eyes everyday. 

(and boy oh boy, let's pray this won't hurt her badly when she falls back to earth)

- T

Uncertainty : Of dreams, hope and (maybe) you?

For the past few days,
heck, for the past one year I have been disturbed by this thought.

THAT I WILL END UP ALONE.

That no one will love me ..
just enough to make him pluck up his courage and ask for my hand.

I mean.
I don't know if this is just something hormonal, me PMS-ing or whatnot.
But I can tell you for sure that I am so disturbed by this idea of (ended up) living alone.
My eyes will swell up with tears and my heart is aching every single time I had this thought.

I don't know how people perceive me.
I am very much sociable.
I am ready for commitment.
I mean.. I wanna be commited to something.
or someone.
Just let me have a chance !

I'm a good catch.
I'm funny
I'm nice
I can cook well
I wanna say I'm pretty too 
and I am a proud domestic goddess!
Like .. urghhhh.. I feel so frustrated while typing all this stuff.
DID NO ONE NOTICE ME ?!! like.. at all?

What is there not to like about me? :( 

OMG i feel like a kid, whining about the candy I couldn't get.
Kept away in a glass jar on the top shelf in the kitchen.
I know it's there..  but I couldn't reach for it.

Allahu.. I feel so lonely at times , that I couldn't even describe it.
I told other people about it,
how sometimes I feel so miserable I just let myself cry to sleep,
I shouldn't be feeling like this, kan?
and I don't want to resort to doing haraam things.. like .. idk.. Tinder? haha.

I'm laughing and crying at the same time right now.
This is just another level of meroyan.. haha.
Do you get how painful this is for me?
yet, I couldn't do anything about it.

O Allah, this waiting game is too much on me. 

Grant me strength to stay true to your Deen 

and bless me with guidance too. 

Did the world ran out of 'nice guy' supplies?
Did I overqualified to be a good wife?
or was I underqualified, still?
What should I do to improve myself?
What should I do to be like ... her?
She looks so nice in her white dress though
oh wait.. that was 6 months ago.
Now she's pregnant with her first child?!
She's 5 years younger than me!
Whatever happens to the theory of
different timeline
And I'm just rotting away
while filling up my minimum dose of romance
by watching dramas and reading comics
and listening to my friend's story of how sweet their partners are
and helping them brainstorming about the wedding plans
and what type of flowers will match their veil and laces
and which shoes to put on ,
just enough to make them look like a queen
and rocking that super long dress
but not overly done
so that the groom will still look relatively taller

I mean... I am too much invested in the idea that -

MARRIAGE IS EVERYTHING I NEED TO COMPLETE MY LIFE NOW.

But.
I have my own dreams to realize..
I have plans that I want to execute
I'll be moving out and about
I'll be running around
I should be running around
so i dont think I can fit anyone at the moment
I definitely can't fit you in my plans now.
Coz.. If you're in the plan...
.. I'm afraid you'll be the only plan.

I cannot afford to lose my dreams and my visions
and all the stuff I swore I'd do to make the world a better place
I cannot be greedy, my life is not entirely about me.. kan?
I cannot fit you anywhere in my life..
..so I have to stay this way
..alone and miserable still.

I can't whine anymore.
I shouldn't be whining.
I guess..
This is the price of having a dream.

:(

O Allah..

Untie this knots in my chest

Unravel this mess I've created in my mine

Mend my broken heart 

Complete the missing pieces I've spent my life trying to fix

My life and my death is Yours.. and Yours only.